A Tough Day

So, yesterday was a pretty tough day.  It was Kindermusik day, which is fun, but makes the day busy since we have to drive about 30 minutes to get there.  I woke up with some kindof nasty summer cold - sore throat, stuffy nose, etc.  Then there was a flat tire on Will's car that had to be dealt with (we sure do love AAA).  Thankfully, even though Benjamin's morning nap was thrown off by the flat tire, he had a great time at Kindermusik - laughing at songs and toys and bubbles, and generally being the completely charming little man that he is.

After getting home, I began to realize what a state my house was in - all imaginable counter space covered with dirty dishes, and so much laundry to be done that we didn't have a single clean bib in the house.

Necessity is the mother of invention?

Anyway, to add to an already long day, Benjamin had an allergic reaction to the raspberries in the baby food he had for lunch.  Poor thing broke out in hives all over his neck and face!  After a semi-panicked call to the pediatrician and a dose of Benadryl, both of us needed some "un-plugged" time, but I had to keep him awake to monitor his symptoms.  So, we put in a little baby video and vegged on the floor for a while.   Thankfully, the Benadryl did its thing, the hives subsided, and no other symptoms presented.

I can't decide if my severe allergy issues are going to make me a better, more equipped and relaxed mom when it comes to allergies, or if I'll be just that much more neurotic about it.  On one hand, I'm familiar with symptoms, prevention, treatments, and etc.  Its not like the whole allergic thing is new to me and that level of being equipped makes me feel better.  On the other hand, I know first hand the symptoms, how serious they can be, and how miserable it is to have your body launch itself into complete rebellion over something otherwise harmless.

Anyway, I spent the rest of the afternoon sipping hot tea and trying to find the Claritin pill that I had gotten out of the package, couldn't remember ever taking, but couldn't find anywhere either.

When poor Will got home, he entered a state of domestic destruction I wouldn't wish on any human being ... mountains of dirty dishes about to collapse in the kitchen, used Kleenexes all over the couch, our bedroom floor covered with piles of laundry ... you get the picture.  But sweet man that he is spent the evening washing dishes, fetching laundry and what not, and by the time we went to bed, our house and my soul were much more in order.

So I'll end this recounting of the day's events with a verse I read yesterday morning and that the Holy Spirit brought to my mind throughout the day ...

"For You bless the righteous, O Lord, Your cover them with favor as with a shield" Ps. 5:12

Thank you Lord...
- the flat tire happened at home and not somewhere along the road
- AAA was able to come quickly for a tow
- the tire was still covered under warranty and therefore was replaced at a fraction of the cost
- for Claritin and Benadryl
- Benjamin's reaction was minor in comparison to what it could have been (read: I didn't have to call 911 as the nurse at the doctor's office advised me to if he started wheezing)
- the pediatrician's office is available, understanding, prompt, and thorough
- for a husband who lives out selfess, sacrificial love
- Benjamin was able to sleep well last night
- for comfort from your Word!

Me and Moses

Another thing that made last week so crazy yet so exciting was that God, in his infinite mercy, has provided renters for our house in Jackson!  After being on the market for a year, we are just so grateful for this development.  And, as only God can do, the situation has worked to everyone's benefit to meet each party's needs.

So last week, we were not only handling the details of finding a new rental for us, but also the details of renting the house we own to others.  And it was in all those emails, phone calls, and details, that I was reminded yet again of my life's overarching sin pattern ... freaking out!  Yes, this comes as no surprise for those who know me, I am just one big ball of freak-out just waiting to happen.  You would think, looking back over the past year at the countless ways God has been faithful to us, and then seeing Him work in His sovereignty to provide for us through renting the house, that I would have been able to relax about all those details and say, "God, You've brought us this far and done so much, I know You can work out all these pesky details like insurance, deposits, and etc."

But no, I was one big ball of freak-out.

One particularly stressful afternoon found me running around the house, on the phone with one of those awesomely helpful customer service reps from a huge corporation (can you read the sarcasm there?) while toting around my poor child who was wearing only his diaper and drying remnants of poo and sneezed-everywhere-baby-food.  Why was I running around the house?  I have no idea!  Why couldn't I just sit down, breathe, bathe my child, and then talk on the phone like a sane person?  I have only one answer - I am big ball of freak-out and it exploded everywhere that afternoon.

However, this morning in my Bible reading, I came across a passage that made me think.  Moses was trying to lead that complaining bunch of Israelites across the desert from slavery to freedom and they decided they needed some MEAT!  So, what his reaction?  God had released them from slavery, parted the Red Sea, provided water from a rock and manna from thin air.  Did Moses come to God in trust and rest, knowing He would provide?

"Moses said to the LORD, "Why have you dealt ill with your servant? And why have I not found favor in your sight, that you lay the burden of all this people on me? Did I conceive all this people? Did I give them birth, that you should say to me, 'Carry them in your bosom, as a nurse carries a nursing child,' to the land that you swore to give their fathers? Where am I to get meat to give to all this people? For they weep before me and say, 'Give us meat, that we may eat.' I am not able to carry all this people alone; the burden is too heavy for me.  If you will treat me like this, kill me at once, if I find favor in your sight, that I may not see my wretchedness." (Numbers 11:11-15)


In other words, "God!  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! I cannot handle this!  JUST KILL ME NOW!"

I just had to laugh.  I feel like I come to God with same attitude all the time - "Lord, this is craziness!  I can't do this!"  Just one big ball of freak-out when I should be trusting His goodness to me.


All this reminded me of a Bible study I led once on John 10, the Good Shepherd passage.  In verse 3, Jesus says, "The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out."  I remember studying that shepherds from that time really did have names for their sheep, and the names corresponded to some defining characteristic about them, like Black-Eared One, Spotted One, or Slow Poke.  I remember telling the ladies in that Bible study that my "sheep name" would be Freaked-Out One.


The glory in this is two-fold.  We are His sheep and He knows us through and through.  Therefore, I don't have to come to Him pretending that I have it all together.  I can come to Him, big ball of freak-out exploding all over the place or whatever.  But also, God sees who He created me to be - who I will be when I get to eternity, who, by His grace, He is making me into now.  In fact, Revelation says that when we get to Heaven, at the end of all our earthly battles, He will give us a new name (Rev. 2:17)  

Could it be that He will change my name from Freaked-Out One to Serenity?  Could it be that He is seeking to do that now, through whatever crazy, overwhelming circumstances I am faced with?  Could it be that this whole journey over the past year of moving, leaving, having a baby in "a new and foreign land," trying to sell a house, facing a round of lay-offs at Will's company, and everything else, could be Him teaching me to rest, to be content, to cast all my cares on Him, to "do all things through Him who strengthens me"? (Phil 4:13)


Yes, my soul says "Amen!" and I want to live today in the serenity of His presence and provision!

He Is Risen! He Is Risen Indeed!

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

A New Song

This week's work on sleeping routines has necessitated the choosing of the song ... you know, the song that you sing a bedtime to signal sweet baby that it's time to go to sleep. I have put off this decisions for almost five months, because the miracle blanket and the pacifier worked just fine.

But without those cues, it's now time to pick the song. Golly, that's a lot of pressure... one song to sing at every naptime and bedtime, one song to associate with rest and peace for the foreseeable future ... how am I supposed to pick? oh, the responsibility ... sheesh!

Since Benjamin was born, I have primarily sung two songs to him... "I Am," by Jill Phillips (you can listen here) and "How He Loves Us," David Crowder Band (you can listen here). Then of course, there's our Celine repertoire and the Christmas songs during December ... and January. And the always popular "Wheels on the Bus" to which we now sing 14 verses ... I'm not exaggerating, I counted them - doors, wipers, horn, blinkers, engine, we even have Tennesseans and Jack Bauer on our bus. This is primarily for momma's entertainment; I'm fully aware that Benjamin has no idea what I'm talking about.

Anyway, all that to say, we had to pick a song. And after much internal deliberation (I know, I know, I am way over-thinking this), we've gone with the classic "Jesus Loves Me." The thing is, as I've sung it to Benjamin this week over his screaming, I have been struck all over again by the profound truths ...

Jesus loves me ... just sit and think about that for a minute. The God of the universe came to earth in human form to redeem me from my sin because He loves me ... me, this little speck of nothing yet so consumed with my own importance so much of the time. Jesus loves me, even in my unloveliness, He loves me! And this overwhelming love I feel for my son is just a taste of what love is like!

For the Bible tells me so - I'm not assured of His love by my fickle emotions or by life's changing circumstances. I can cling to His eternal Word.

Little ones to Him belong, We are weak but He is strong - Yes, I sing "we are weak." A good reminder to me that in this whole journey of life, and especially right now, of parenting, I must walk in His strength.

Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so!

Eyes of Compassion

I've heard that being a parent brings a lot of fresh insight into God's heart for us, His children. I've been hesitant to do too much extrapolation at this point in my parenting experience, because I know how much of a sinner I am and how much I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

But let me back up ... This week, Benjamin is learning to sleep without his pacifier. That blessed little chunk of green plastic worked like a charm for two months or so, but he is now aware of know when it falls out of his mouth, and since I can't go give it back to him every 30 minutes throughout the night, it was time for him to learn to do without it. So far, it's been going decently well - he's such a sweet, good-natured guy. But it is a tough thing to learn for a little person, and it's so hard to watch (or listen to on the monitor) him struggling to learn to go to sleep (read: screaming his lungs out for 10 minutes).

Last night, as he particularly struggled, I just hurt for him. I know that this is best for him, that he's learning needful skills, that this is going to make life better not worse, that this is not going to permanently damage him but instead make him stronger ... but he doesn't know that. And I just hurt for him.

And then I thought about the struggles and hardships in my life that I don't understand ... and I know God has a plan for my holiness, not my happiness. But last night, I got a glimpse of God's heart for his crying children. Even when He is asking us to walk through trials, He looks at us with eyes of compassion. He is not hardened to our cries, indifferent to our pleas, or frustrated at our helplessness. He loves us, as the perfect Heavenly Father.

I know that sounds basic, but it has been so comforting to me today.

And Benjamin woke up happy as a lark this morning, though in a slightly different position than we put him to bed.

Weary

Today, I am feeling weary ... probably because Benjamin kept me up for several hours last night. But, hey, that's what babies are supposed to do, right? And he's such a good sleeper that when he occasionally has a bad night, I can hardly blame him. And, as you can see, he was none the worse for wear this morning.

However, be that as it may, today I am feeling weary. My to-do list is calling, but I am grossly unmotivated to tackle it. I remember hearing once, in a book or at a Bible study or something, that the work of a wife and mother is "done in order to undone" or something like that... you wash the clothes so they can get worn, and therefore, dirty again. Same with the dishes, the floors, the toilets. You go grocery shopping to get food, so it can be eaten, so you have to go to the grocery store again.

I don't think I realized how much this was true when I was a full-time professional and only part-time wife... I just realized how bad it sounds to say "part-time wife" but you know what I mean. And truthfully, Will usually got only the leftovers of my time and energy, so it's fitting. Anyway, in that former life, I only did laundry the day after we were forced to wear socks from the dirty clothes basket and only went to the grocery store when the refrigerator only held moldy cheese and an old jar of mustard.

And now, though I am profoundly enjoying my role as a full-time wife and mom, I am realizing that each week, my to-do list is almost exactly the same ... wash clothes, get groceries, ironing, cooking, dishes, etc. Today, as I folded clothes, I kept thinking, "Didn't I just fold this the other day?" And I'm just weary.

But a dear friend reminded me of Galatians 6:9 recently...

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

So, today, I'm folding clothes and washing dishes while envisioning fields of clean clothes and neatly stacked dishes just awaiting me to pluck them whenever needed :)

Seriously, though, this afternoon, I sat down with the Word, knowing there is my only source of refreshment, and picked up where I had left off previously in Revelation 21...

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away... And the street of the city was pure gold, transparent as glass ... and the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb."

Amen.

Crave

(these pictures really have nothing to do with this post, but aren't they just too stinkin' precious?!?!)

............................

1 Peter 2:2

And yearn like newborn infants for pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up to salvation (NET)
Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation (NIV)
Like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the Word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation (NASB)
You must crave pure spiritual milk so that you can grow into the fullness of your salvation. Cry out for this nourishment as a baby cries for milk (NLT)

I've always heard that you really don't know the meaning of this verse till you live with an infant - and it has surely been true for me. There is no desperation like that of a hungry baby.

Benjamin's normal morning routine is to wake up somewhere around 7:00. He definitely wakes up hungry, but until he sees Mom or Dad, he's happy to lay in his crib, playing with his hands or talking to himself for 15 minutes or so. One morning this week, he had been doing just that when Will went in to say good-morning before he left for work. Then I came in and sat down in the rocker to feed him ... it was then that we realized that his diaper had leaked out through his jammies and we were going to need to change his diaper and his clothes before we went on with breakfast. So I got up from the chair, put him down on the changing table, and proceeded to take off the dirty pajamas and change his diaper. As soon as he realized what was happening, Benjamin's face just crumpled and he let out the most pitiful little squeal of a cry you've ever heard. This cry wasn't just that he was hungry, wasn't just that he was mad, it was a cry of ... heartbroken desperation.

"Mom! I'm so hungry, and you were all ready to feed me, but now we're doing this?"

It was so pitiful it brought tears to my eyes! I changed his diaper as quickly as I could, then just threw a blanket over him to keep him warm and sat down to feed him ... forget new jammies! we can get those later! this poor child is desperate!

And then, as happens many times when I hear Benjamin cry to be fed, the Holy Spirit reminded me of this verse ... crave the pure milk of the Word! How I need this attitude of utter desperation for the Word - it is my only source of true spiritual refreshment and growth.

May God give us hearts that crave to meet Him in His Word!

Gently Lay Your Head

In a previous post, I referenced the lyrics to "I am" by Jill Phillips, which begins with the lines

oh gently lay your head upon my chest
and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

This has come back to me several times over the past week as we've been enjoying little Benjamin. I love that feeling when he completely relaxes with his little head on my shoulder - a deep relax that says he feels safe and at rest. He gets upset about things he doesn't understand - why it's necessary to change his diaper or take a bath - but then in those moments when he rests in our arms, he knows that he is loved and cared for.

It has led me to ponder that same dynamic in my own relationship with my Heavenly Father. There are things in life that I don't understand the reason for, and I get so tense and upset about them - why God led us so far from our families at this time in our lives. Or like last week, when I was so upset about having to be induced. I don't know all the reasons for anything, but God has showed Himself faithful to us over and over again. I want to be able to keep that attitude of rest - completely relaxing in His Presence, knowing that He knows much better than I do what I need - just like I know that Benjamin's diaper really needs to be changed, whether he likes it or not.

So this week, each time I enjoy that feeling of Benjamin resting on my shoulder, I am going to let it remind me to rest in God's Presence, giving over to him all the things that I worry about and knowing that His plan for me is so much better than my own.

The Beauty of the Lord

I am continually amazed at our God - His faithfulness, love, power ... but one of the aspects of His character that deeply resonated with me this weekend was His beauty. We had a wonderful weekend in the Boston area with our dear friends. It's always good to just kick back and relax, but we were also able to see some truly beautiful sights - quaint New England towns, rocky coastline, sailboats on the ocean. How gracious of our God to share His beauty with us through His creation and to give us the capacity to enjoy it!

"One thing I have asked of the Lord, that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in his temple." Ps. 27:4

So, here are just a few pictures from our trip... enjoy!

Not Home Yet

I've noticed that every few days, as I'm going about the daily-ness of life - folding laundry, grocery shopping, arguing with Jack the GPS about the best way to get where we're going - that I am suddenly caught by a strong wind of emotion which I can only put into words this way: "I want to go HOME!"

Since I am mostly happy here in CNY (Central New York), I've been unsure where this feeling was coming from or the reason for its strength and random timing. Is it the natural grief process of leaving the people we love and the places which were so familiar? Is it those crazy pregnant hormones? Is it the enemy trying to distract me from the work God wants to do with us here? I'm thinking that it's probably a combination of all those.

However, it has gotten me thinking though about the whole idea of home, and that fact that "this world is not our home" - a profound truth that I think we often take for granted. I've realized that this longing I have for "home," while legitimate in a certain sense, must be always framed in this truth. The longing to feel comfortable, loved, surrounded by a familiar and reassuring presence, will only be ultimately met in our eternal home with Jesus. This void I feel, while painful, can be a powerful reminder that instead of looking to people (or familiar landmarks for that matter) to meet my needs, I must look to my Savior! When we feel that wonderful sense of "home," we can praise the Lord for what is, literally I believe, a taste of heaven! But when we find ourselves surrounded by the strange and unfamiliar, we can look to our Heavenly Father who has promised us an eternal home with Him in Glory. Hallelujah! Come, Lord Jesus!

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am there you may be also." John 14:1-3