Gently Lay Your Head

In a previous post, I referenced the lyrics to "I am" by Jill Phillips, which begins with the lines

oh gently lay your head upon my chest
and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

This has come back to me several times over the past week as we've been enjoying little Benjamin. I love that feeling when he completely relaxes with his little head on my shoulder - a deep relax that says he feels safe and at rest. He gets upset about things he doesn't understand - why it's necessary to change his diaper or take a bath - but then in those moments when he rests in our arms, he knows that he is loved and cared for.

It has led me to ponder that same dynamic in my own relationship with my Heavenly Father. There are things in life that I don't understand the reason for, and I get so tense and upset about them - why God led us so far from our families at this time in our lives. Or like last week, when I was so upset about having to be induced. I don't know all the reasons for anything, but God has showed Himself faithful to us over and over again. I want to be able to keep that attitude of rest - completely relaxing in His Presence, knowing that He knows much better than I do what I need - just like I know that Benjamin's diaper really needs to be changed, whether he likes it or not.

So this week, each time I enjoy that feeling of Benjamin resting on my shoulder, I am going to let it remind me to rest in God's Presence, giving over to him all the things that I worry about and knowing that His plan for me is so much better than my own.

He's here!

There just aren't words for how grateful we are to God for this little bundle!

After so much waiting and "angst in my soul" last my week, God was completely faithful in every detail. I need to make a list before the sleep-deprivation steals all those details from my memory, but I am just amazed at how God was there through every step of the way - and continues to be.

These verses from Psalm 138 were what I clung to on Thursday as we were making the decision about induction ... and now, I find them the cry of my heart as we embark on this journey of parenthood:

"On the day I called You answered me,
My strength of soul you increased.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.
Your steadfast love O Lord endures forever
Do not forsake the work of Your hands." (v. 3, 8)

How amazing to know that God had planned Benjamin's birth before time began, and even now, He knows all of Benjamin's days. What an awesome God we serve!

Sometimes you have to just laugh...

Well, here we are ... still waiting for our little one to make his appearance in the world, and sometimes you have to just laugh to keep from crying. So, today, I've been trying to look at the lighter side of being sooooo pregnant... (disclaimer: much sarcasm to follow. I know, Mom - sarcasm is not a healthy form of communication. I'll blame it on the hormones)

- its been so nice to have cooler weather since I tend to be hot all the time. The only problem is the shoes ... If Will's not here to help me, you might just see me in flip-flops even when its 40 degrees outside. Its because I looked at my socks and tennis shoes and thought, "It's just not worth it."

- Prenatal yoga has been a great tool to work on breathing, relaxation, help circulation, etc. The only problem is the getting down on the floor ... how am I supposed to do that??? Most of the time, I just half-fall down and then have to roll over into a sitting position. Graceful? no. Accomplishes the purpose? yes.

- You know its time to have this baby already when the kids at church come up to you and place their hands gently on your belly. so sweet! Then, their eyes get big as saucers as they say, "There's one big baby in there!" I still haven't figured how to respond to that one ... :)

- I've decided that my nesting instinct is definitely expressed in cooking... over the last two days, I've made brown rice salad, mexican casserole, magic cookie bars, honey mustard dressing, blueberry muffins, and potato-corn chowder. Will has been particularly enjoying this aspect of the pregnancy.

- I'm starting to feel like a human parody of the saying "a watched pot never boils." I feel the need to start every phone conversation with "I'm not in labor" since I know that's what everyone wants to know anyway. I'm also realizing how clumsy I am - spilling things, dropping things, etc. - and how I seem to feel the need to meet every instance of my clumsiness with some sort of exclamation like "ow!" "oops!" "shoot!" or even the occasional c-r-a-p. I'm realizing this now because, every time I yell "aah!" from the kitchen, Will immediately yells back anxiously, "What's going on?" No labor, just spilled flour!

- Finally, I'm discovering that most cute maternity clothes are made for women who are about 8 months pregnant. There are very few of my maternity clothes that will even button around my belly anymore. If i get any bigger, I'll be reduced to wearing a Snuggie ... but never fear! They've introduced the designer Snuggie this year, complete with a great selection of animal prints! :)

On waiting...

It seems I've been doing a lot of waiting lately. Yes, for anyone who's counting, I'm now forty-one weeks pregnant. We're just waiting for our son to decide he's ready to meet the world. We're waiting for our house in TN to sell (please, Lord!) along with other more minor situations in our lives. I've been pondering much on the whole idea of "waiting on the Lord," combined with which, the ladies' Bible study I've been going to is studying patience. Ever feel like the Holy Spirit is saying the same thing to you at every turn?

I'm hesitant to write this post, because I know my thoughts on the subject are jumbled. Also because I just might have had an emotional breakdown this afternoon over continuing to wait for our baby to come ... even after a 2-mile walk at the park! So, I write not as someone who's learned her lesson, but as someone still struggling to come to grips with this in daily life.

"Waiting for the Lord" seems to be a theme in Scripture. Isaiah 40:31 says "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." What a promise! So, why is it that I am exhausted by waiting?

A quick search of the Psalms reveals even more of this theme...

Ps 27:14 - Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Ps 31:24 - Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!
Ps 37:7 - Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!
Ps 37:9 - For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land. Ps 37:34 - Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off.
Ps 38:15 - But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.
Ps 39:7 - And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
Ps 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.

As I've pondered this topic, I've realized that I am profoundly lacking in patience. I do not like to wait - on anything! In fact, I think much of the "efficiency" and "ability to multi-task" which I have seen as positive qualities in my life, are really just veiled impatience. Write a quick email while I'm on hold; send a quick text while I wait at a redlight; how much can I get done while the dryer runs? I'm a big fan of using time wisely, but what's my true motivation for all this multi-tasking? The sense that waiting isn't getting anything done! And isn't productivity the greatest virtue?

And so, in this season of waiting, I sense I'm supposed to be learning something.

When we are called by God to wait on Him we are facing situations in which we are powerless (which, in reality, is every situation, isn't it?) Sure, I can eat spicy food or go for long walks to try to make labor to start. Sure, we can lower the price of our house again, email anyone who might be interested or have connections, etc. to try to find a buyer. But in the end, these efforts are fruitless if God has a different plan - like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, as Dr. Rogers would have said.

This realizing our powerlessness is actually quite a powerful force. How much more peace and joy would I have if I could sit in surrender before the Lord, waiting in faith for Him to act on my behalf, with no anxiety or angst in my spirit? Because the reality is that, in the end, God will answer. Not in my time, or in the way I wanted Him too perhaps, but He will answer in His infinite goodness. He does not abandon His children. He desires to give me the greatest gift of all - the gift of knowing Him! These periods of waiting drive me to His feet again and again and again and therefore, in the end, it doesn't matter when our baby is born or when our house sells (or how much I get done in a day), but do I know Him more intimately now than I did before?

Father, thank You that You love us even when we have angst in our hearts! Thank You for the situations in which we must wait on You so that we can learn to depend on You, learn who You are in Your goodness and power. Give me the grace to wait, the gift of patience.

Existential Insight

Anyone who's been to our house in Jackson may remember this collage frame that used to hang in our living room. You won't remember the photos in it, however, because for 4 years it sported the little paper photos that came in it. By the time we packed it up, I had even made up names for the characters - Great Aunt Myrtle, and so on. It was one of my husband's biggest pet peeves about our house, that I had never filled this collage with personal photographs, and to be honest, I have no idea why it took me so long to do so. Maybe someday I'll be able to afford that therapy - but I digress.

One of the projects Mom helped me take on while she was here was to fill this frame with our own photos - its now hanging in our stairwell, and, I must admit, it does look better than it used to with the pre-fab photos of the weird old lady sitting on a donkey (i'm not kidding - that was Great Aunt Myrtle).

Anyway, we're about to head out for a church hayride, so Will was walking up the stairs to get his stuff together (we've got to dig out our jackets and such since it's going to get into the 40's here tonight). A few minutes later, I heard Will comment from the stairwell, "You must have had some kind of existential insight when you put these pictures in here!"

Well, of course, dear! Existential insight is what I'm best known for! I knew immediately what he was commenting on though - the fact that in the bottom corners, I have us as children - me with a chocolate cake all to myself, and Will on a motorcycle... existential insight indeed.

Nesting?!?!

I had always thought of the "nesting instinct" as an instinct to clean obsessively getting ready for the baby ... could it be that my nesting instinct exhibits itself in cooking (and thereby making a huge mess)? If that's not what it was, then I have no earthly idea what got into me yesterday afternoon and evening!

It started out with Will wanting chicken pot pie, one of our favorite recipes that I hadn't made in quite some time, and me wanting to try a new recipe for homemade granola. Then, when I was out running errands, I stopped by the farmers market and picked up corn, squash, peaches, carrots, and etc.

So, when I got home, I had to "deal with my vegetables," as my mom would say. Things just snowballed from there, and by the time the cooking marathon was over, I had steamed zucchini, carrots, and a whole bunch of green beans, and made two batches of granola (one chocolate and one apricot/cranberry), "sugared nuts" (one of our favorite salad toppings), chicken salad, and chicken pot pie.

Sometime in the middle of the whole thing, the thought did occur to me, "What on earth am I doing?" But by then, I had about 4 things in process and couldn't stop! So, when we finally sat down to dinner, almost every mixing bowl, pot, pan, measuring utensil, and available surface in our kitchen was dirty! There was nothing to do but step back and laugh at myself and how preposterous the whole thing was ... then lay down on the couch and save the dishes to do today! :)

A Discipline of Thanksgiving (One Thousand Gifts)

Does anyone else ever feel like being thankful is an act of your will? It's not that, in general, I'm not grateful to God for countless things, but at certain times, because of my own sin, hormones, or whatever, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, as they say.

I've been feeling weepy today as I contemplate the upcoming holidays, our first to celebrate with our precious baby, but also our first to celebrate so far from our families. And travel takes time. And travel is expensive (sometimes shockingly so, as we discovered during our initial ticket search last night). And airplanes are especially nerve-racking for us because of so many germs and peanuts. And then, if I let myself, a whole snowball of negativity gets started in my head of everything that's wrong or hard or hurts in life.

The reality is, God has been unfailingly faithful (can you say that?) to us over this transition. As I look back, I can't begrudge Him anything - He has provided. And just because He hasn't always provided in the ways that I wanted Him to, doesn't mean He isn't there for me. A very wise woman at Bible study last week pointed out that, "Sometimes we don't know where God is, but He always knows where we are."

Back in the spring when it became apparent that this transition was on the horizon for us, my mom started a list of all the things that God would need to work out on our behalf - from Will's graduation to the moving process to finding a church here. I've been postponing fully celebrating that list because its not complete yet (our house is still on the market) - but who am I to tell God how to provide for me? He promises that when His children ask for bread, He will not give them a stone. (Matthew 7:7-11)

30. webcams
29. our townhouse - cute, cozy, and convenient
28. our church - full of sweet people who have lived out the love of Christ to us
27. a second car - a gracious gift
26. artwork and photographs to hang on my walls
25. an awesome grocery store close to our house
24. a good doctor here
23. a gorgeous park just 5 minutes from us
22. a job that my husband enjoys
21. GRACE!