In a former life...

In a former life, I thought I had a stressful job with lots of people depending on me. I wore high heels and eyeliner everyday. I thought it was "high pressure" when someone looked to me for an answer in a meeting or a solution to a problem on a project. I thought I had a lot to do and that I worked really long hours.

In a former life, I thought my job was rewarding when I walked away from an event that had run smoothly or a project that was finished successfully. I thought I was learning dependence on God when a mailing went awry or the centerpieces turned out poorly.

But now I know... that was nothing! I didn't know what it was like to have someone depend on me until the little one looked up at me from the bathtub with a look that said, "I hope you know what you're doing, Momma!"

I'm lucky if i get time to brush my hair or put real pants on in a day. And I feel that "high pressure" moment when our precious baby cries out in the middle of the night, and I need to figure out whats wrong ... hungry? dirty diaper? cold? hot? just needing a reassuring cuddle? caught some crazy killer jungle virus that's going to land our whole family on 20/20?

Needless to say, the hours for this job are much longer ... :)

and talk about learning dependence on God - whew!

But I've never had a job that's more rewarding than being Benjamin's mom!

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that You rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil,
For He gives His beloved sleep.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward."
Psalm 127:1-3

Sometimes you have to just laugh...

Well, here we are ... still waiting for our little one to make his appearance in the world, and sometimes you have to just laugh to keep from crying. So, today, I've been trying to look at the lighter side of being sooooo pregnant... (disclaimer: much sarcasm to follow. I know, Mom - sarcasm is not a healthy form of communication. I'll blame it on the hormones)

- its been so nice to have cooler weather since I tend to be hot all the time. The only problem is the shoes ... If Will's not here to help me, you might just see me in flip-flops even when its 40 degrees outside. Its because I looked at my socks and tennis shoes and thought, "It's just not worth it."

- Prenatal yoga has been a great tool to work on breathing, relaxation, help circulation, etc. The only problem is the getting down on the floor ... how am I supposed to do that??? Most of the time, I just half-fall down and then have to roll over into a sitting position. Graceful? no. Accomplishes the purpose? yes.

- You know its time to have this baby already when the kids at church come up to you and place their hands gently on your belly. so sweet! Then, their eyes get big as saucers as they say, "There's one big baby in there!" I still haven't figured how to respond to that one ... :)

- I've decided that my nesting instinct is definitely expressed in cooking... over the last two days, I've made brown rice salad, mexican casserole, magic cookie bars, honey mustard dressing, blueberry muffins, and potato-corn chowder. Will has been particularly enjoying this aspect of the pregnancy.

- I'm starting to feel like a human parody of the saying "a watched pot never boils." I feel the need to start every phone conversation with "I'm not in labor" since I know that's what everyone wants to know anyway. I'm also realizing how clumsy I am - spilling things, dropping things, etc. - and how I seem to feel the need to meet every instance of my clumsiness with some sort of exclamation like "ow!" "oops!" "shoot!" or even the occasional c-r-a-p. I'm realizing this now because, every time I yell "aah!" from the kitchen, Will immediately yells back anxiously, "What's going on?" No labor, just spilled flour!

- Finally, I'm discovering that most cute maternity clothes are made for women who are about 8 months pregnant. There are very few of my maternity clothes that will even button around my belly anymore. If i get any bigger, I'll be reduced to wearing a Snuggie ... but never fear! They've introduced the designer Snuggie this year, complete with a great selection of animal prints! :)

On waiting...

It seems I've been doing a lot of waiting lately. Yes, for anyone who's counting, I'm now forty-one weeks pregnant. We're just waiting for our son to decide he's ready to meet the world. We're waiting for our house in TN to sell (please, Lord!) along with other more minor situations in our lives. I've been pondering much on the whole idea of "waiting on the Lord," combined with which, the ladies' Bible study I've been going to is studying patience. Ever feel like the Holy Spirit is saying the same thing to you at every turn?

I'm hesitant to write this post, because I know my thoughts on the subject are jumbled. Also because I just might have had an emotional breakdown this afternoon over continuing to wait for our baby to come ... even after a 2-mile walk at the park! So, I write not as someone who's learned her lesson, but as someone still struggling to come to grips with this in daily life.

"Waiting for the Lord" seems to be a theme in Scripture. Isaiah 40:31 says "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." What a promise! So, why is it that I am exhausted by waiting?

A quick search of the Psalms reveals even more of this theme...

Ps 27:14 - Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Ps 31:24 - Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!
Ps 37:7 - Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!
Ps 37:9 - For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land. Ps 37:34 - Wait for the Lord and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off.
Ps 38:15 - But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.
Ps 39:7 - And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
Ps 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.

As I've pondered this topic, I've realized that I am profoundly lacking in patience. I do not like to wait - on anything! In fact, I think much of the "efficiency" and "ability to multi-task" which I have seen as positive qualities in my life, are really just veiled impatience. Write a quick email while I'm on hold; send a quick text while I wait at a redlight; how much can I get done while the dryer runs? I'm a big fan of using time wisely, but what's my true motivation for all this multi-tasking? The sense that waiting isn't getting anything done! And isn't productivity the greatest virtue?

And so, in this season of waiting, I sense I'm supposed to be learning something.

When we are called by God to wait on Him we are facing situations in which we are powerless (which, in reality, is every situation, isn't it?) Sure, I can eat spicy food or go for long walks to try to make labor to start. Sure, we can lower the price of our house again, email anyone who might be interested or have connections, etc. to try to find a buyer. But in the end, these efforts are fruitless if God has a different plan - like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, as Dr. Rogers would have said.

This realizing our powerlessness is actually quite a powerful force. How much more peace and joy would I have if I could sit in surrender before the Lord, waiting in faith for Him to act on my behalf, with no anxiety or angst in my spirit? Because the reality is that, in the end, God will answer. Not in my time, or in the way I wanted Him too perhaps, but He will answer in His infinite goodness. He does not abandon His children. He desires to give me the greatest gift of all - the gift of knowing Him! These periods of waiting drive me to His feet again and again and again and therefore, in the end, it doesn't matter when our baby is born or when our house sells (or how much I get done in a day), but do I know Him more intimately now than I did before?

Father, thank You that You love us even when we have angst in our hearts! Thank You for the situations in which we must wait on You so that we can learn to depend on You, learn who You are in Your goodness and power. Give me the grace to wait, the gift of patience.

Nesting?!?!

I had always thought of the "nesting instinct" as an instinct to clean obsessively getting ready for the baby ... could it be that my nesting instinct exhibits itself in cooking (and thereby making a huge mess)? If that's not what it was, then I have no earthly idea what got into me yesterday afternoon and evening!

It started out with Will wanting chicken pot pie, one of our favorite recipes that I hadn't made in quite some time, and me wanting to try a new recipe for homemade granola. Then, when I was out running errands, I stopped by the farmers market and picked up corn, squash, peaches, carrots, and etc.

So, when I got home, I had to "deal with my vegetables," as my mom would say. Things just snowballed from there, and by the time the cooking marathon was over, I had steamed zucchini, carrots, and a whole bunch of green beans, and made two batches of granola (one chocolate and one apricot/cranberry), "sugared nuts" (one of our favorite salad toppings), chicken salad, and chicken pot pie.

Sometime in the middle of the whole thing, the thought did occur to me, "What on earth am I doing?" But by then, I had about 4 things in process and couldn't stop! So, when we finally sat down to dinner, almost every mixing bowl, pot, pan, measuring utensil, and available surface in our kitchen was dirty! There was nothing to do but step back and laugh at myself and how preposterous the whole thing was ... then lay down on the couch and save the dishes to do today! :)

Blessingway

Our new church has a wonderful tradition called a "Blessingway," a time for the women of the church to gather around a sister who is getting married or having a baby and shower her with Scripture and prayers. The ladies in our church were so sweet to give me a Blessingway this past Sunday in anticipation of Baby Trautman's arrival. It was a truly precious time, and my soul was refreshed through the reading of the Word and through their prayers for me, Will, and our little one. Here are just a few of the Scriptures that were shared:

"He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to his heart; He gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11

"I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ... And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment so that you can determine what really matters and can be pure and blameless in the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God." Phil. 1:6, 9-11

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:5b-7

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Cor. 9:8

30 weeks

I thought everyone might be ready for an updated shot of me and little buddy! :) It's hard to believe we're already this far along! He'll be here before we know it! He is about 15.5 inches long and weighs almost 3 pounds! We are so grateful for this gift from God! Thank you for your continued prayers for our health and safety.

"My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Ps. 139:15-16